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<title>so we’ll tell ourselves that this is for the best by orphan_account</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22610278">so we’ll tell ourselves that this is for the best</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Panic! at the Disco</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Lost Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Past Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 00:15:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>618</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22610278</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"why (he) had to go, I don't know, (he) wouldn't say<br/>i said something wrong, now i long for yesterday"</p><p>(in which brendon is the one who leaves the band)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>so we’ll tell ourselves that this is for the best</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I really wish you were here with us.  Please come back.  P.S., I never told you, but I was falling in love with you.”, Ryan wrote over and over on hearts cut out of construction paper, willing himself to send them to Brendon, back at his parents’ house in fucking Utah.  But he never did.  Without Brendon, shows were just shows, applause was just applause, guitar strings were just guitar strings.  The two boys were one thousand miles apart, and it hurt.  Ryan hates himself a little bit, feels like it’s his fault Brendon left the band, his fault Brendon couldn’t do it.  If only he had tried harder, if only he had told Brendon how he felt about him before it was too late…  it was too late.</p><p>Brendon was okay, he told himself.  He was twenty-two and still living in his parents’ basement, driving his mom’s mini-van to bars, to the church of a god he hadn't believed in since he was a small child, to his job at the hair salon in the mall.  He had been a coward, too scared to admit to himself that he was anything but completely straight, so he ran back home and made an average little life for himself.  </p><p>He didn’t miss Ryan, he told himself as he lay on his bed with the curtains drawn and cried.  He didn’t miss Ryan, he told himself as he hummed melodies from old Panic! songs that he somehow still remembered and imagined he was onstage, Ryan’s lips pressing against his in a quick kiss, in the adrenaline of the moment.  Secretly, he wished the band hadn’t been successful, that Ryan had gone home and started a normal life too, but that hadn’t happened.  They were on magazine covers, their songs playing on MTV, Ryan’s face everywhere, seemingly just to make Brendon’s life a little worse.  But Brendon was okay, he told himself.  </p><p>But sometimes, he couldn’t lie anymore.  Sometimes, a boy would walk into the hair salon in the mall, a short boy with big brown eyes and mousy brown hair that fell in his face, and, for just a second, Brendon’s head would snap around, and he would let himself believe that the boy was Ryan, come back to tell him the band wasn’t the same without him, and to please join it again, and yes of course he could kiss Ryan and touch his hair, of course it would be totally heterosexual.  But when the boy got closer, it was always obvious that he wasn’t Ryan, and Brendon would hate himself a little bit for how naïve he was, how much he still hoped for Ryan to come back.</p><p>Ryan just didn’t get it.  Why had Brendon left?  He could have had everything.  Fame, money, adoring fans, Ryan.  But no, he had decided to go home to Utah and pursue a career as a hairdresser.  To this day, Ryan couldn’t figure it out.  He couldn’t think of anyone else who would rather live as a normal person in a small town than as a rock star, but that was part of what he loved about Brendon.  </p><p>Oh god.  He loved Brendon.  Ryan shut his eyes, breathing heavily in and out as he lay across two of the worn leather seats in the tour bus.  He was going to call Brendon.  It had been years, and it probably wasn’t a great idea, but before he could stop himself, he was punching in Brendon’s number, the number he still remembered.</p><p>“Hello?  Who is this?”, came a soft male voice, a lot gentler than Ryan remembered Brendon’s voice being.  Ryan felt tears in his eyes.  “…It’s Ryan, Ryan Ross.  Remember me?”</p>
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